I believed in the virtue of forgiveness when I had no opportunity to forgive anyone. And it requires some mettle on one's part to forgive someone who has caused you great grief and pain. In moments when your heart writhes with agony, the thought of forgiveness seems like a joke, even injustice. Yet, forgiveness is precisely for this moment. The greater the pain, the greater test of strength in forgiving and, believe me, greater your personal happiness.
Forgiveness is not an obligation on the forgiven: it is an obligation you do to yourself.
About three years ago, I worked in a somewhat miserable place where I ran into a new employee and we quickly became pals. We enjoyed talking to each other, I enjoyed her humor and company and I owe some of my happiest moments in that miserable place to her. I shall name her C.
Before long, less than 1 and a half months to be exact, we ran into trouble. Humorous, cheerful and witty as C was, she was cut throat ambitious, jealous and mean. Realizing me as a threat to her personal ambition, in less than a month she mobbed me horribly. She turned all my colleagues and the management against me, told white lies to everyone and almost made it a question of life and death till I felt I couldn't handle it anymore. The management had already turned deaf and dumb to me. I wrote my resignation letter at mid night ( I couldn't mail it because every mail I sent to the management were immediately redirected to her and I didn't want her to be the first one to know) and then the next day went extra early to talk one last time to the management. No good. I was fired on the spot. I retorted in no less heated tones:
'No, you can't fire me. I am resigning. This is my resignation letter.'
With the last shreds of my self respect still left intact, I hurled the resignation letter into the face of my boss, derived a miniscule satisfaction on seeing the shock on her face, I walked out to live in a wounded bleeding agonizing pain of being insulted, fired and mobbed for, what seemed like an eternity....!
What I went through after this, is more difficult to describe. Becoming suddenly jobless was the least part of my problem. I sank into a deep chasm of depression. I couldn't get away from the memories of the last three months. These occurrences would play and replay and replay in my mind like a stuck CD. Every time I slept, even if the sleep was only half an hour long, I dreamt of C. I would get nightmares every single night of her harming me or coming to harm me. Every time I happened to pass from in front of that workplace ( it was on main road) I would drown in painful thoughts and sometime had to struggle to refrain from breaking out sobbing in public. And indeed I would often, far too often, weep when alone.
The pain was unbearable.!
Two months after my resignation/firing, my boss emailed me asking me if I would like to work again under different circumstances.
We met.
She was honestly penitent, apologized, realized she had been at mistake and wanted me back. She offered me a double salary and a more elevated status as before. And she promised she would keep C away from me. I was about to join but then I got an offer from another place and joined there.
A new place, a new environment, a whole set of new kind of work with a whole new bunch of colleagues... My nightmares vanished as suddenly as they had appeared. I got immersed in my work which helped in forgetting C. However, every now and then, my over cautious behavior towards my colleagues, an aversion to forming closer contacts and a dread of letting myself work to my full potential for fear of making enemies like C, showed how deeply scarred I was from inside. I was living like a virtual snail hiding in its shell scared of even a feather touch! And there were times when I would relapse in moody silence. I would be thinking about C...
It will take some time to heal. I told myself.
Fate doesn't work that way though. Does it?
Nearly a year later, who should join the same institution? Yes. None other than C!. On her first day, she just sailed into the place like a breeze of ocean air, touring all the work areas, encountered me, spread an ear to ear beaming smile on her face and exclaiming 'Hiiiii, how nice to see you!' she clasped me to her heart like we were long lost sisters!
My troubled dreams, the replay of the old drama and the depression returned in full force. My wounds turned green again.
Bumping into C twenty times everyday was, plainly speaking, a pain in my ass or a knife in my wound. When she and I were alone I wouldn't even look at her. In front of others I tried to appear normal but avoided her as best as I could, while she always behaved like we were two good friends. There were times when she would come and innocently ask me something and my tongue would writhe in my mouth to ask her, Do you know that you murdered me?
My colleagues were noticing. And wondering. Only my closest colleague knew what was afoot.
I didn't know what to do. I could talk to the management here and tell them. I could seek transfer or she could be given another work area instead of sitting right on top of me. But somehow these measures didn't make sense to me. I hated to build up negative opinion in my colleagues and the management's mind against someone who is new and hasn't had a chance to prove herself. Whatever had happened, it should be in the past. I have to move forward. I must give her another chance and see for myself if I can accept this as a challenge. And then, I must not forget that she is alone and has to feed and clothe herself. Any action against her could leave her jobless. I mustn't do anything to endanger her position. For once, at least, I have to forgive her.
On sympathetic advise of my closest colleague, I took a counselling session with a psychologist.
'What do you want to do regarding C?' He asked.
'I do not want to harm her or be the cause of any harm to her. I want to be professional and mature. I want to forgive her and move forward. I want to give her another chance to be okay with me instead of believing that she is going to harm me again. But I do not want her to take my forgiveness for granted and think me a fool. I am a positive person and I always think good about everything. She, on the other hand makes me negative. I want to free myself from her negative influence.'
At the end of 1 hr of discussion, he appreciated my way of thinking but concluded that I was being foolish and wasting my sympathies.
'This person is an actor. She acts all the time. She will harm you again. To protect yourself, tell all this to the management so they know the whole history. And write a daily dairy with dates and time and every word of what passes between you and her. This would help you in legal matters should she mob you again.'
It was a truly valuable session! How merely talking can heal! I will forever be indebted to my colleague for inviting me to it. When I walked out of the room I was a new person. My heart was lighter, my vision clearer, my determination to not to be dragged in the negativity of a negative situation, firmer than ever.
That night as I walked back home I felt I had wings.
There is very little to the story now but very substantial. About two months later, C started doing the same kind of things again: talking ill about me to other colleagues to defame me, build up negative atmosphere for me and misguide people. She didn't succeed. My colleagues confronted her and told her seriously, she couldn't do things like this here. My management is fully informed. They are very professional and they appreciate my professionalism.
Since sometime now, all negative feelings in my heart, the fear, the apprehension, the pain that was associated with C is gone. Gone for ever. Never to come back again. I have forgiven her fully and wholeheartedly and it doesn't matter to me if she knows it or not. I realize C was an unpaid debt from my past life. She was my bad karma from my past life. I had to settle this debt right here and right now. The moment I settled it, I have been as light as a white, fluffy, summer cloud that sails on the oceans of air. I realize how everything that was related to C was dragging me down like a million ton weight tied to my feet. It was making me a person I basically am not. By forgiving her unconditionally I cut the rope that tied me to the weight and now I am free. My heart is free. My mind is free. My soul is free. And I realize how by forgiving her I have done such a great favor to myself.
Test it. Forgiveness is healing in itself.
Today I learnt she is in her first month of pregnancy. I wish her all the best.
